vacation conversations

Snorkeling
“Can you believe how warm the water is?”
“It’s the Caribbean, Dad.”
“I know, but still. It’s so warm…hey, is that a cookie?”
“A what?”
“A cookie.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Oh! It’s a sea urchin! Look! Spindly!”
“Stop talking with the snorkel in your mouth, Dad. You’ll drown.”
“I’m going to go look at that urchin.”
“Uh, Dad?”
“It’s so close…why can’t I reach it?”
“Dad?”
“Look, it’s just inches away but every time I go for it I can’t reach it…”
“Dad?”
“Is it moving away from me? Why can’t I get under the water and reach…”
“DAD!”
“What?”
“You’re wearing a life vest!”
“Oh.”

Ordering Dinner
“I’d love a bowl of ravioli.”
“We're in Jamaica. They don't make ravioli. They make jerk chicken.”
“Who you calling a jerk?”
“Funny. You’re funny. Did you know he was funny?”
“I knew. Look, they have something called Jamaican fruit cake on the dessert menu. What do you suppose that is?”
“Fruit cake? In Jamaica?”
“You’re funny, too.”

Jet Skiing (shouted loudly over roar of water toy)
“Um…Mum…you’re not supposed to go so fast…”
“It wouldn’t go this fast if it wasn’t supposed to go this fast.”
“Um…Mum…I think that was a turtle…”
“Did we hit it?”
“No.”
“Then enjoy the turtle.”
“Um…Mum…aren’t you supposed to turn at the orange ball?”
“I see it…hang on…we’re turning.”
“Um…Mum…you’re not supposed to so fast…AAAAHHHH”
“Didn’t we just have…hey, where’d you go?”

Skimming rocks
“I can’t do it!”
“Not with that attitude you can’t. Find a shell or a flat rock and we’ll try again, okay?”
“Fine.”
“Oooh…nice rock. Okay, like a Frisbee…flip it, use your wrist, one, two three, NOW!”
“Hey! I did it!”
”Told you you’d figure it out!”
“Look! That one went far!”
“Watch out for people swimming by, okay, dude?”
“I know, Dad.”
“Hey! That was a good one! Try again!”
“I found a big rock!”
“Throw it!”
“Um, Dad? I think I hit a fish.”
“No…you couldn’t have.”
“Hey, look…there’s a dead fish…”

Sunscreen
“AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!”
“Lemony Child! Stop screaming! It’s just sunscreen!”
“I won’t put it on! I won’t! I just won’t!”
“Stand still…here…put it on your legs…you’re not going to the beach until it’s on.”
“I am! I am going to the beach! I AM!”
“Please, for the love of Pete, just put the stuff on you legs!”
“NO!”
“Fine. Burn. When your skin blisters and falls off I don’t want to hear a single word.”
“YOU WANT MY SKIN TO FALL OFF!”

Last Day
“Dad? Why does Mum have her fingers in her ears? And why is she making that noise?”
“I don’t know. Leave her alone.”
“But I need her to help me find my shoes. I can’t go to the airport without shoes…DAD! I think Mum’s crying!”
“Give her a Pop Tart. She’ll be fine.”

Airport (Jamaica)
“No, sir, this is not a valid passport.”
“What do you mean it’s not a valid passport? It was just issued a few months ago!”
“I mean it’s not valid.”
“Check again.”
“I did check again.”
“Then check again again.”

Airport (somewhere in the U.S.)
“Flight 1762 to Quiet Village Not, departing at 6:35, has been cancelled.”
“Is that voice on the PA system shitting me?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, good.”

Airplane (somewhere between somewhere and Quiet Village Not)
“Hey, folks, this is the captain here…we’ll be in a holding pattern over Providence for about half an hour while they clear snow...”
“Is he shitting me?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, good.”

Airplane (still somewhere not near Quiet Village Not)
“I’m really sorry folks…we’re diverting to Kennedy International in New York City because of snow.”
“Is he shitting me?”
“Yes.”
“Captain again, folks, I want to you know it wasn’t the snow that prevented us from landing…it was the yahoo in the snowplow who took out a very necessary piece of equipment.”
“Is he SHITTING ME??!”
“Yes.”
“Shut up.”
“Okay.”

Terminal E, Gate 28, Kennedy International Airport, 1:15 a.m.
“We’re sorry folks…security personnel aren’t on duty until 5:30. You can’t leave the gate area. We apologize for the inconvenience.”
“If you say is he shitting me one more time I’m divorcing you.”
“Don’t tempt me.”

Terminal E, Gate 28, Kennedy International Airport, 5:17 a.m.
“Mother?”
“What?”
“I was wrong.”
“About what?”
“Hell isn’t in Disney. It’s in Kennedy International Airport, where you have to sleep on the skanky floor with strangers lying next you, snoring and farting.”
“Don’t say hell.”
“Don’t tell me I don’t have a point.”
“Point, no point, what difference does it make when we're stuck in hell?”
“Mother?”
“What?”
“Have a Pop Tart.”