doggies and squirrels and ice, oh my

It's cold here. COLD. Like 3 degrees cold. Everything from the driveway to the street to the trees to the mailbox to the everything has a solid sheet of ice covering it.

It's lovely. Really.

Now, we're used to this sort of mess. We just shove our feet into big, heavy, ugly Bean boots, cram a hat onto our heads, jam our fingers into mittens, tie scarves to our faces and go about our business. Like walking to the bus stop.

My dog, who can't allow us to leave the house without her when she knows we're going for a walk, sat by the door and wagged her little nub of a tail like crazy even though I told her it was too cold for her to walk today. But she kept wagging that nub until her entire body was going, and I'm a sucker for a kidney beaning boxer doggie, so I relented and velcro'd her cold weather gear onto her back and strapped the stupid little ice boots to her feet. Clipped her leash on.

OFF we GO! It's BRISK. It's INVIGORATING! It's FUN. Until Lemony Child fell in the driveway.

"Mummmmmmmmmmaaaa! I hurt my elbow!!!!!!! Can we drive?"
"Do you need your elbow to walk?"
"No?""
Then suck it up and keep walking."
"Fine. But I won't like it."
"I can live with that."

We were trudging merrily along, the dog so happy to be OUT, that she kept pinging back and forth from one side of the street to the other. Ping ping ping ping ping PING! Snorfling the whole way because she has this weird habit of snorting the snow like coke. Seriously. She sticks her face in the snowbanks, inhales deeply, and then comes out with snow completely covering her face, not to mention clogging her nostrils. So she snorfles. And sneezes. And then she shakes it off and does it all over again.

Clearly she isn't all that bright.

We made it all the way to the bus stop without another wipe-out, although there were a few close calls.

And then it happened.

The dog saw...A SQUIRREL!! And this is went through her little doggie pea brain:

"Omigaw it's a SQUIRREL! I must get it I must have it I must say hello to it I must sniff it I must must must must GO GET IT let go of my leash woman don't you see the squirrel don't you know I MUST HAVE IT don't you know it wants me to sniff its little squirrel BUTT LET GO LET GO LET GO!"

All that in about a nanosecond.

She tried to run. Tried. Oh, how hard she tried. Alas, it was icy, and all she did was scramble. And slip. And slide. And then, FINALLY, her feet got just enough traction to launch forward a fraction of an inch. Which was just enough to send her sailing, completely out of control, towards the squirrel.

Please remember that I was holding her leash and that, unfortunately, the dog wasn't the only one standing on ice.

wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

By some miracle I stayed upright.

The squirrel got smart and scampered, defying all laws of physics when it didn't do a cartoonish scramble and spin on the ice.

Bastard squirrel.

The dog though...oh, the DOG...was SO NOT defying all laws of physics and was totally splayed out on the ground. Sliding. Right. Into. Lemony Child.

uh-oh

She fell down. Hard. Her feet flew up and knocked into Cam's backpack, and of course then Cam went down hard, setting off a chain reaction when HIS feet knocked into Molly's backpack...and Molly got Jake...and Jake got Nate...and Nate got Mikey...and Mikey got Kat...and Kat got Brian. Nobody was in front of Brian, so his feet just got air, which was far funnier to me than it should have been.

Ahem.

And so there they were...eight kids and a dog on the ground in a heap of ugly Bean boots and backpacks. Far funnier to me than it should have been.

Lemony Child, who heard me giggling like a mad woman, turned to me and said, without even the slightest hint of scorn (ha!) -

"You know, Mumma, the very least you could do is help untangle me from the DOG!"

Which I had every intention of doing, but, well, you see, it was icy. And, um, I slipped. And fell. Into Kam's mother. Which set off a chain reaction when SHE fell into Kat's mother.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

Yeah.

I'm driving to the bus stop tomorrow.