shut up, muffy
Her name isn't really Muffy, but it might as well be.
She shows up at the bus stop with her make-up on, wearing fashionable shoes that match her fashionable outfit perfectly. She has a sleek, blonde bob, complete with bangs, and a perfectly placed Burberry headbead to complete the look. Her nails are shiny, her jewelry shinier, and her kid's jeans have creases ironed into them.
As if all that wasn't bad enough (i mean, really, Burberry headbands? it's 7:45 a.m. and we're talking first-graders here), she's that mother. The one who volunteers for everything at the school from organizing the book fair to planting flowers around the flag pole. Now, let me say that I think volunteering at your kid's school is wonderful and fabulous. I even do it myself sometimes. But this woman is there all the time, and I mean all the time. More power to her, I say, and I wouldn't even blink an eye, but she's also that mother who says things like -
"You know, I don't understand you mothers who don't spend more time volunteering at the school. I mean, don't you want to be involved in your precious little one's education?"
-and -
"Well, I helped organize the book fair this year, as well as last year, and I've already signed up for next year. What are you doing?"
She tsks at pre-packaged snacks..."oh, we bake our own snacks..." and stares at you with wide, horrified eyes when your kid announces, with obvious glee, that she had COUNT CHOCULA FOR BREAKFAST!!!!
"Why did you have to have that for breakfast, honey? What was your Mommy doing that was more important than making breakfast?"
So I, with my unbrushed, wild, curly/frizzy hair tied up into a watersprout thing on my head, wearing a pair of pajama pants with monkeys in Santa hats on them, an old denim jacket with a peace button and an AIDS ribbon pinned to it covering my braless boobs, my sockless feet shoved into a pair of old sneakers, and a dog tugging on my arm in a desperate attempt to get free and eat squirrel for breakfast, turned to her and said...
"I was giving my husband a blow-job."
She blinked at me. Twice.
And then it happened.
"Sometimes she lets me help!" shouted Lemony Child.*
Four other mothers, also in their pajamas, choked on their coffee.
I don't think Muffy was amused.
*sometimes I let her help me blow-dry my hair, which is what she thought I was talking about!
She shows up at the bus stop with her make-up on, wearing fashionable shoes that match her fashionable outfit perfectly. She has a sleek, blonde bob, complete with bangs, and a perfectly placed Burberry headbead to complete the look. Her nails are shiny, her jewelry shinier, and her kid's jeans have creases ironed into them.
As if all that wasn't bad enough (i mean, really, Burberry headbands? it's 7:45 a.m. and we're talking first-graders here), she's that mother. The one who volunteers for everything at the school from organizing the book fair to planting flowers around the flag pole. Now, let me say that I think volunteering at your kid's school is wonderful and fabulous. I even do it myself sometimes. But this woman is there all the time, and I mean all the time. More power to her, I say, and I wouldn't even blink an eye, but she's also that mother who says things like -
"You know, I don't understand you mothers who don't spend more time volunteering at the school. I mean, don't you want to be involved in your precious little one's education?"
-and -
"Well, I helped organize the book fair this year, as well as last year, and I've already signed up for next year. What are you doing?"
She tsks at pre-packaged snacks..."oh, we bake our own snacks..." and stares at you with wide, horrified eyes when your kid announces, with obvious glee, that she had COUNT CHOCULA FOR BREAKFAST!!!!
"Why did you have to have that for breakfast, honey? What was your Mommy doing that was more important than making breakfast?"
So I, with my unbrushed, wild, curly/frizzy hair tied up into a watersprout thing on my head, wearing a pair of pajama pants with monkeys in Santa hats on them, an old denim jacket with a peace button and an AIDS ribbon pinned to it covering my braless boobs, my sockless feet shoved into a pair of old sneakers, and a dog tugging on my arm in a desperate attempt to get free and eat squirrel for breakfast, turned to her and said...
"I was giving my husband a blow-job."
She blinked at me. Twice.
And then it happened.
"Sometimes she lets me help!" shouted Lemony Child.*
Four other mothers, also in their pajamas, choked on their coffee.
I don't think Muffy was amused.
*sometimes I let her help me blow-dry my hair, which is what she thought I was talking about!
14 Comments:
This is the best bus stop story ever! I hate Muffy. She should really worry less about making breakfast and more about her husband finding out that she's screwing her 23 year old tennis instructor.
Bwahahaha!
OMG. Priceless!
(BTW, my word verification word had an uncanny resemblance to "uppity"...)
Heeeeeeee! Muffy deserved it.
Oh My God.
LOL
That is the funniest thing I have read in weeks!!!!
LMAO!!
Kid L's elementary education was dominated by two mothers that literally had a hand in everything. I think the fact that was one was far from Muffy looking and the other had a daughter with alopecia is what kept them from being hated.
You should come visit my school district, it resembles a Stepford Community.
ROFLMAO!!! OH MY GOD! Seriously, there were tons of Muffy's at my daughter's school she attended in Kindergarten, I hated every one of their pretentious asses. There was only ONE PTO mom who was nice to me and when I mentioned that I was switching her to the school she is in now, she scoffed at the thought telling me I wouldn't like it. Lo and behold, I bumped into her last November and she asked how we liked the school? I told her we LOVED it.
In your face, beotches! Seriously. I can't stand people like that!!
Not to say our school's PTO and moms are perfect, they aren't (and I am on the PTO!), but they are a far cry from the snobbishness of the other school.
Sorry this got long!
So awesome. I wish I could think on my feet like that. ;^)
Oh Lemony! That was the best bus stop story EVER!! It totally makes up for the evil empire gaining on us (I bet Muffy is an Evil Empire fan!)
That is such a great response!
OMG that was too funny! I couldn't stop laughing!
YOU ARE BRILLIANT!!!!! Oh how I hated Muffy when my kids were in school. And there were tons of them!
I just adore your baby. She is adorable, admirable, and thinks fast on her feet. :) A lot like her mom, yes? LOL!
I bet Muffy doesn't ask what *you* were doing that you couldn't make your children breakfast from scratch anymore. LOLOLOL!
I found this link on another blog just now, and I must say, I choked on my drink just reading about it. I can't imagine how much joy you must have given anyone lucky enough to witness this event firsthand. Props to you!
I am here via An Imperfect Life and that was the best response ever to that question. Hope you don't mind if I borrow it.
Hey, if there's ever an excuse for pouring sugar cereals into a bowl and letting our children got to town, it's sex!
I hate burberry. I just fucking hate it.
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