My muse is apparently on vacation, probably in Puerto Rico, where there are palm trees and tropical drinks made with coconut milk served by Ivan. I hope the bitch is happy.

Nothing. I have nothing.

Inspire me. Please?

If you can't, my muse is hanging out at a grass hut on a beach 30 miles east of San Juan. If you see her, kick her ass and tell her she's a slacker.



Today I:
~ got out of bed at 6:15
~ French braided Lemony Teen's hair for a pep rally
~ made coffee
~ drank coffee
~ bleached towels
~ folded about six hundred pairs of underwear
~ walked the dog
~ scooped the cat boxes
~ oogled the lawn guy from the bathroom window
~ showered
~ shaved my legs
~ slathered spiced citrus body butter all over myself
~ had a fight with my hair and lost
~ put two knives, one fork, six spoons, two coffee mugs, and countless dishes in the dishwasher
~ swept up a box of Cheerios
~ had a bird fly into my windshield
~ went to the Registry of Motor Vehicles
~ argued with the RMV's Employee of the Month
~ ate leftovers for lunch
~ wrote six pages of dreck
~ forgot to brush my teeth before going outside
~ puttered aimlessly about straightening things up as I went
~ pulled some crab grass out from under my holly bush
~ ate a banana
~ still have a broken sink

What does it say about my life that the highlights of the day were spiced citrus body butter and a trip to the RMV???

On second thought, don't answer that.


dance, baby girl

Today is September 11, 2001, and it's Tuesday. It was a perfect New England day. We call days like today A Top Ten because we only get about ten days like today a year. Cloudless skies, a bright sun that's just warm enough, breezes just strong enough to billow curtains and bring the smell of outside in.

Autumn in New England. It's the reason we live here.

People died today, baby. A lot of people. I'm not even sure how many yet, it's still too soon for anybody to know for sure. But it was a lot. Thousands. Two of them lived here in our town and I knew one of them. I don't know what to say to his wife when I see her.

Me. At a loss for words.

We were doing laundry, and you were playing peek-a-boo with the towels. We were having fun, just the two of us, because your brother went to Kindergarten for the first time today. Then Daddy called from work and told me to put on the news. I didn't want to, because we were busy playing, but something in his voice made me listen. So I put on the news.

I wish I hadn't.

I think even you knew something was wrong...you stared at the TV, just stared, and when we saw the second plane crash you cried and crawled to me.

You cried, but I didn't. I couldn't. I was...lost?scared?numb?what?...frozen. I watched buildings fall down and knew there were people in them dying but I didn't cry.

I remembered that Daddy was supposed to fly to Los Angeles today but didn't go because it was your brother's first day of Kindergarten. I thought of him flying out of Logan Airport on an American Airlines flight to Los Angeles and my mouth went dry but I didn't cry.

I couldn't.

It scared me, Bean, not being able to cry, because I kept thinking I was supposed to be feeling something but all I felt was numb.

We know one of the men who died today. His little girl is your sister’s friend. They go to Girl Scouts together and her mum likes her coffee from Dunkin' Donuts to be French Vanilla and light. I don't know if she'll still drink coffee, now that her husband will never stop at the drive-thru window after work again.

Daddy's boss flew out of Dulles today, but he's more than Daddy's boss, Bean. He is our friend, somebody we care very much about. When his plane didn't land where it was supposed to we were afraid.

Your uncle lives in Manhattan and we couldn't find him for seven hours.

I think I forgot how to be the mumma for a few hours today, baby, and I'm sorry.

We went to bed together a little while ago and I nursed you to sleep, like I have every night since you've been here. Nine short months.

A lifetime.

Tonight, instead of quiet, Daddy put the radio on and it was nice to hear music and not news.

A song played that I'd never paid much attention to before but tonight I heard it.

"...living might mean taking chances but they're worth taking, loving might
be a mistake but it's worth making..."

"...when you get the choice to sit it out or dance...I hope you dance..."

A song written by a mum for her little girl. A song written to remind her that even when life is crazy and scary, the world is beautiful and the people in it even more so. Take chances. Live. Love.

I realized I want those things for you, baby, and if I want those things then every mumma and daddy who died today wanted those things for their babies, too, and oh, how my heart ached thinking of them not being able to say so ever again.

And so, finally, I cried.

The world changed today and everything is scary now. I'm sorry this is the history you inherit, but no matter where the world goes, no matter how scary it gets, your daddy and I hope you dance.



with her
khaki capris and butterfly backpack
pink hair clips and camoflage Keds
she leaves me
in a house suddenly filled
with nothing but space
i fill it with worry
while i sit
and wait
for the yellow bus
to bring my baby home

A Perfect Post



"Will you miss me, Mumma?"
of course I will, baby
"What if I miss you?"
you'll be so busy you won't have time
"What if I can't find the cafeteria?"
your teacher won't let you get lost
"And when the bus drops me at the corner?"
I will be there to walk you home
"I'm going to Kindergarten!"
but you were just born yesterday