am i missing something?

As is the case just about everywhere, gas prices here in Quiet Village have skyrocketed. It is mildly annoying to say the least, but I do chuckle when I hear the guy at the pump next to me muttering about how RIDICULOUS!! it is that he has to pay a hundred bucks to fill his Cadillac Escalade.

Dude. Did this really not occur to you when bought the thing? Surely the sticker with the numbers 13/17 on them in reference to miles per gallon was a clue? And the $100 fill up cost has you muttering to yourself in public like my Auntie Angie but the $50,000 price tag didn't give you pause?

Personally, if I have a spare fifty grand lying around I think I'll probably use it to, oh, I don't know, send my kid to college for two years or something equally as dumb, but that's just me.

Now. Where was I? Oh, yeah. Gas prices.

I filled the Lemony Happy Bus (aka The Minivan We Hate But Own Free and Clear With No Payments Left to Make So Trading it for a More Fuel Efficient Happy Bus Makes Zero Fiscal Sense vehicle) up this morning. This set me back about $70 and after shouting "There had better be liquid freaking gold brewing in this pump, damn you!" as the receipt printed, I drove away wondering exactly what the geniuses in Washington were planning on doing about it. You know they're planning something...it's an election year.

Well, now I know.

Are they kidding me?

Hundreds of millions of dollars in rebate checks, money that I'm sure isn't just sitting around collecting dust or interest since there's this whole war thing happening. Does it really make fiscal sense to give money to people who can afford a $50,000 car so they don't have to pay for a lone tank of gas? And if we have hundreds of millions of dollars just lying around waiting to be spent, do tell me why it isn't being spent on public schools? Health care? The I-495 overpass that is dropping chunks of concrete on the road below? You know, things that would really make a difference in the communities we live in?

Does it make sense to spend that kind of money on a (very) short-term, band-aid solution? What good does it do?? One free tank of gas...problem not solved, people. You still need to fix the problem of Dependence on Foreign Fuel.

Oh, wait, they did come up with a solution, didn't they? How silly of me.

Drilling in the Arctic.

Of course. Why didn't we think of it before?


So tell me if I've got this straight...some people are worried about losing an election so they propose a policy that wastes millions of dollars and ruins the environment.

They must be Republicans or something.

i love this

It's been a while since I've seen the way the candles light your face
and it's been a while, but I can still remember just the way you taste

Sexy as hell.

Song lyrics fascinate me.

Why can't I write stuff like that?


a musical life

Yes, I stole this from somebody else's blog. I'm bored and I can't bring myself to write about our little outing to Old Navy. Have you seen Friends with Money? No? Let's just say I have something in common with Frances McDormand now...minus the broken nose and the swearing.
Okay, not the swearing.


Anyway. Find an iPod...a mini, a nano, a shuffle, they're all the same... or use your Rhapsody or whatever thing it is that you use to play music and set it to shuffle/random/whatever. Answer the following questions with the randomly selected songs. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

Will I get far in life?
Oops…I Did it Again – Britney Spears

How do my friends see me?
Addicted - Kelly Clarkson

Where will I get married?
Walking in Memphis – Marc Cohn

What is my best friend’s theme song?
Hold On – Sarah McLachlan

What is the story of my life?
If You Could Only See - Tonic

What was high school like?
Stand - Jewel

How can I get ahead in life?
Turkish March – Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

What is the best thing about me?
Constant Craving – k.d. lang

How is today going to be?
Bad Day – Daniel Powter
(oh, my gawd, what are the odds of THAT song popping up here?? LOL!!)

What is in store for this weekend?
I Walk The Line - Live

What song describes my parents?
I’m N Luv (Wit a Stripper) – T-Pain featuring Mike Jones
(the ever-expanding ass was just laughed clear OFF)

My grandparents?
Gone – Kelly Clarkson
(okay, that’s just creepy…and very true)

How is my life going?
Lonely No More – Rob Thomas

What song will they play at my funeral?
Sugar, We’re Going Down – Fall Out Boy

How does the world see me?
Double Trouble – John Williams, from the Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban soundtrack
(fire burn, cauldron bubble…something wicked this comes!! BWA!! Oh, I’m rolling)

Will I have a happy life?
Hemorrhage (In My Hands) - Fuel

What do my friends really think of me?
Queens Are Never Wrong – The Backyardigans
(come on, admit it, this is hysterical)

Do people secretly lust after me?
Crazy Little Thing Called Love – Queen

How can I make myself happy?
This Time Around - Hanson

What should I do with my life?
Wait – Sarah McLachlan

Will I ever have children?
At Last – Cyndi Lauper
(seeing as how I was barely old enough to drink beer legally when Lemony Teen was born I find this one just plain funny)

What is some good advice?
Don’t Stop Believin’ – Journey
(I swear on all that is right and holy I’m not making this up)

What is my signature dancing song?
Something’s Always Wrong – Toad the Wet Sproket
(I love me some Toad the Wet Sproket)

What do I think my current theme song is?
Welcome to My Life (acoustic) – Simple Plan

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Strangelove – Depeche Mode

What type of men/women do you like?
The Real Thing – Bo Bice
(yes, really, randomly chosen!)

That was entirely too weird. And kind of fun.


let's hope the rest of the book is better

Stolen from the fabulous Omegamom because you know I am not at all inventive enough to come up with such things on my own...

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open it to page 161.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence along with these instructions.
5. Don't search around and look for the coolest book you can find. Do what's actually next to you.

"Even though the camerlengo was the church's ranking official, the camerlengo was only a priest and had little familiarity with the complex election process, so one cardinal was selected to oversee the ceremony from within the Sistine Chapel." ~from Angels & Demons by Dan Brown.

The title of this posting is appropriate, no??


like hell i say

There's a theory that our children owe us nothing. They didn't ask to be brought into the world, after all, and it's not like they had a choice in the DNA donation, either. They are here because we decided to make it so, and if anybody owes anybody anything it is we who owes them...I mean let's face it, we spend nine months wishing they'd just GET THE HELL OUT ALREADY!!!! and then we tape plastic to their asses.

Their successes are theirs, not ours. Their triumphs belong to them alone. They are individuals with their own ideas, opinions and feelings. They owe us nothing.

This is my teenager's theory, by the way, and a few years ago - like before I spent nine months wishing her THE HELL OUT ALREADY!!! because my back hurt, my hips hurt, and I was peeing every ten seconds which was really annoying - I'm pretty sure I agreed with her.

The realization that this theory is pure idiocy dawned on me almost immediately, like in the first week, when it occurred to me that holy hell, man, I may NEVER sleep AGAIN! This realization was reaffirmed to me just this morning when I had to step out of the shower, naked and with shampoo dripping into my eyes, to stick my head out the window to tell the heathens that I am actually in the shower with the exhaust fan going, my own version of I Walk the Line echoing loudly off the tile, and I.Can.still.HEAR.Them.screaming, and if I can hear them, surely cranky old Tillie next door can, too, so WHAT IS THE PROBLEM!?!?? and knock it off already, please.

They think they owe me nothing? HA!

I figure they couldn't help the diapers that needed changing, so I won't hold them to anything there, but for all the times they breeched their diapers and pooled icky goop into the feet of their fuzzy Dr. Denton pj's?

For all the nights they scared me out of a sound sleep with screams piercing enough to make me believe Lucifer himself was breathing into their nostrils, only to run in their bedrooms, breathless and with eyes bugging out of my skull, so they could smile and laugh at me when I turned the light on? I don't care how cute they were with their toothless grins and enormous bald heads...I didn't see Lucifer in there, and Mr. Lemony slept through the excitement...

Then there was the time I had to haul the boy Lemon out of the mall because he couldn't seem to get a grip on his emotions when told he couldn't bring the cockroach he found in the bathroom home.

The frog that went through the laundry when he forgot it was in his pocket, ruining a perfectly good load of darks.

Vomit on my carpet. Poo on my bed. The broken nose the youngest Lemon gave me when she went through her Head Butting Baby phase.

The screaming, the biting, the pinching, the kicking, the hitting, the fighting, and the twitch (not to mention the headaches) these things cause.

Sure, Lemony Teen got an A on her English term paper, but I figure I deserve partial credit based on all the trips I made to Staples for the ink cartridges she kept lasering through on draft copies.

How about the time Lemony Brother was booted from a school assembly because he was "too disruptive" to participate?

"I hate Cheerios! I want Count Chocula!!!"
"I hate chicken."
"I hate this show!"
"Why does she always get what she wants and I get NOTHING?!"
"It's not fair!"
"I hate her!"
"I hate YOU!"

So, yeah, they owe me. The only question is what, because Lord knows I don't want their first born.

(day one of April Vacation...can you tell it's going well??)


ouch whine sob

My tooth? The one that just had a root canal and is waiting for the crown? Let's just say either the dentist did a shitty job or the tooth is trying to tell me something.

Now, I don't know what the tooth is trying to say, but I can tell you what I'm saying...MY %^&(@#* TOOTH HURTS!!!!

Seriously. I want to cry. In fact, I am crying.


800 mgs of Motrin didn't make a dent, so I piggybacked Tylenol.

Yeah, that didn't work, either.

I'm eyeing the Alleve bottle in Mr. Lemony's medicine cabinet, but I'm thinking my liver may not approve.

The dentist can't see me until tomorrow.

In the meantime I'm considering taking an ice skate blade and a giant rock to my mouth, you know, like Tom Hanks in Castaway.

MY $&%*^#@ TOOTH HURTS!!


i'm very sorry, but i hate you

Lemony Child is enrolled in a lovely little preschool called Lemony Child's Preschool. She loves loves loves her little school. She paints fabulous things on construction paper and strings macaroni on yarn. There are parties, many many parties, to celebrate Winter and Spring and Rainbow Fish Day. They've made pizza, beachy desserts (think sand buckets and six thousand pounds of 'nilla wafer crumbs here), and pancakes hard enough to play hockey with.

She loves it, which makes me feel better about ditching her there for three hours three mornings a week so I can ignore my responsibilities and lie on the couch with a cup of coffee, a blanket, and a rented flick spinning in the $400 DVD player Mr. Lemony insisted we had to have.

(side note: i told you mr. lemony was insane)

This is all good, right?

Um. NO. Why?

Because there are other kids at Lemony Child's Preschool. Kids Lemony Child wants to play with. Kids with names like River and Lake and Pond Scum.

(okay, i made that last name up)

Of course she wants these kids to play at her house, which means MY house. There are only so many excuses a mum can come up with, you know? I mean, eventually the kid is going to get that I'm not actually going to polish all the doorknobs in the house with her blankie if she doesn't stop asking if Merry Lynnie (oh, i so wish i had made that one up) can come over for lunch, so once in a while I'll accept defeat and allow her to invite stupidly named children to Lemony Villa. These invites are usually me approaching Merry Parent to warn them of the youngest Lemon's desire to feed their Merry Offspring some peanut butter and jelly on whole wheat...

...unless the kid is allergic to peanuts and suffers from Celiac Disease of course...

Which you know Merry Lynnie is (allergic) and does (suffer).

CHANGE OF PLANS PEOPLE!! because I can barely keep up with my own kid and her allergies, so I am so not taking responsibility for the Merry Anaphalactic Reaction that occurs when I buy the wrong gluten-free bread.

Merry Lynnie's Merry Mum agreed this was wise, and so we hatched a plan to feed lunch in separate houses and then combine children later, with each kid providing her own allergen-free snack to nosh on. I promised to post NO SHARING! signs every six feet. We were all set.


Merry Mum decided she didn't really know me well enough to deposit her child in my care. Ooookay, I get it, it's fine, sure, why don't you come with her, and we can chat while our children don't share snacks. I'll make coffee.

Merry Mum informed me she doesn't like coffee. Or tea. Or hot chocolate. Or Diet Coke with Lime. Or water. She's very fond of banana nectar, however.

Me: Banana nectar? Really? I don't have any of that.
Merry Mum: Well, they sell it in the International Food aisle at the grocery store?
Me: Really? I didn't know that. I still don't have any of that.
Merry Mum: I just told you where to get it.

I knew were not off to a good start, and when the woman showed up at my front door with her child and a bag full of bananas I knew we were in trouble.

The girls played nicely. Merry Mum and I? Not so much.

Merry Mum: Oooh, look, you have a scrape on your wrist...how did that happen?
Me: Really? Where? That's a tattoo...
Merry Mum: (eyes wide in horror) A TATTOO??! Of WHAT? And WHY?
Me: Well, it's an AIDS ribbon...
Merry Mum: A WHAT? AIDS ribbon?? Why do YOU have an AIDS ribbon? Do you have AIDS??!?!!?
Me: No.
Merry Mum: Are you sure?
Me: Um...no?

I don't think they'll be coming back, which is just fine, because I hate the Merries. Besides, Lemony Child has moved on to Happy Harry and Mountain Stream. Remind me not to invite them for lunch.