lemon parade: 08.06

good news bad news

The good news is I found a dime. A really old, turning green dime. This is good news because I'm going to be needing some spare cash.

Why will I be needing some spare cash? Bad news! I broke the sink! Yep. See? I really did.

How you ask?

Well.

I opened the cabinet above the sink to get my most favorite eyeliner (color: mushroom) and before I could say LOOK OUT! a container of vanilla spice body butter plunged to its death.

The sink never saw it coming.

The dime was discovered stuck under the broken pieces. It was either cowering in fear or rejoicing over being freed from the depths of hell that is my bathroom vanity. I couldn't really tell with all the yelling.

(omigawd look OUT it's a flying vat of butter and it's trying to give me a skull fracture omigawd look OUT it's flying pieces of ceramic and they're trying to impale my face omigawd the sink is BROKEN and DAMN it there's glass IN MY HEEL somebody find a BROOM!)

So, yeah, I broke the sink. But I found a dime! Think'll it'll buy me a new sink?

what's missing

I didn't know my soul was broken until she came and patched it up with pieces of her own.

I wonder if he knows he took those pieces with him.

top ten reasons summer needs to go bye-bye

1. Because if Patrick rings my doorbell one more time I'm going to tear his head off so I can shout, "Lemony Brother is at camp! Just like yesterday! Just like tomorrow! And every day until the END OF AUGUST!!" directly into his brain.

2. Because soaking wet pool towels piled in the sandbox is just plain yucky.

3. Because I'm out of popsicles and I don't want to buy another damned box of red, white, and blue raspberry frozen phallic symbols.

4. Because my flip-flops have seen better days and bending over to paint my toes to look pretty in the flip-flops seems pointless now.

5. Because Kool-Aid is sugar mixed with crack cocaine and I can't Just Say No.

6. Because applying even the really cool spray-on, banana-scented sunscreen has become an exercise in herding cats. Or Lemonettes. Take your pick.

7. Because there are only so many times you can say, "No, you may NOT use your sister as a boogie board. Or a frisbee. Put her DOWN!" in a day.

8. Because if that ice cream truck with the weird dude driving it pulls down the cul-de-sac just as I'm putting dinner on the table one more time there will be hell to pay.

9. Because those 100 degree days make my underwire bras even more uncomfortable.

10. Because "MUMMA! I'M BORED! PLAY SIDEWALK CHALK WITH ME!" lost its appeal as a bonding experience about six buckets of chalk ago.

Summer is great, isn't it?

Help me.

death scene, take four

Frickin' piece of crappola Compaq Presario Notebook. Eighteen months old and on it's fourth death. I may have sped up the inevitable when I heaved it at Mr. Lemony, who then deflected it to the floor with a thud. Why did I do this? The man suggested I just use the teenager's laptop. It's not like having my own computer...which, by the way, is where I write and keep my journal and the story (hee) I've been working on for two years...is such a big deal.

Says the man who has TWO laptops.

Well, it is a big deal, I'm sorry. Sharing a computer, especially one with cutesy blinky cursors and MySpace cookies, was not part of the plan when I bought MY OWN laptop. Besides, the crappy thing is the only thing in the entire house that is mine and just mine.

Think I'm kidding? Example A: There is a bathroom next to my room, but Mr. Lemony thinks he should be allowed to use it since he shares (example B) my room and (example C) my bed. There are (examples D through G) four televisions in my house but the last time one of them was available to me for my viewing pleasure was sometime during the first Clinton administration. My (example H) clothes? The teen pilfers 'em. Example I: Shoes? Same thing. And? Example J: Food. Swiped from my plate. They're starving, you know.

The laptop, it was mine, and now it's toast, so here I am, sitting in the living room with the old desktop. It's like being chained to a turtle.

The quote to fix the laptop was $500. Mr. Lemony says over his dead body is he paying five-hundred bucks to fix a computer that has broken down every four months since we bought it.

I'm lobbying for a new laptop.

Mr. Lemony is lobbying against a new laptop since I can just share with the teenager, who by the way, is right now setting a new sparkly cursor and updating her cookies and telling me no, I cannot use her laptop, because it is hers and she's using it right now thankyouverymuch.

It's either time to remind the teenager that I nursed her for two years or to remind Mr. Lemony that he bought a boat.

Does anybody have a laptop (not a Comcrap!) they adore? I'll be in the market shortly.

Tonight, even.